just a mini update

[[JiF]ALargeWoodenBadger]

As some of you may know, after much delay and too many excuses I went out and bought a new video card for the PC I built for Mini. It’s not the greatest, a 250GTS but it is capable of rendering the game. Then, in a moment of self destructive denial I bought a second copy of BF3. After all I’ve been playing BF since it first came out, it seemed right. I created an account, XLWoodenBadger, and signed in for the first time. I joined a map and Mini followed me in. The first thing I realized was that I was assigned the rank of private. Not good. Mini immediately pointed out that he was a Colonel. A full Colonel, with medals and battle ribbons coming out the wazoo, a senior commissioned officer in this here game – you hear me Private?

“Sir, yes sir” I said automatically.

Then, thinking of pulling rank on him (Father - four stars), I made the mistake of asking him “what’s a wazoo?”

Have you ever been under the glare of a ten year old Colonel? Do you remember that time when you were seventeen and you borrowed the car without permission? You know the time, it was the time you did a doughnut in the Kmart parking lot while trying to impress Sandee McCans? You remember her; she was the one who took puberty seriously and studied harder then the rest of the girls. Still, despite all her hard work, when her marks came out she was stuck with a set of D’s. God bless the bell curve and all who ride her. Do you remember thinking about if you could just pull enough G’s while doing the doughnut that the third button on her blouse would pop and heaven might tumble out? Man what you wouldn’t do for the third button.

Then with your mind clouded with visions of heaven, and your eyes focused on that lonely, tragically small but impossibly strong third button you clipped a shopping cart with the right rear fender and your world ended. Sandee screamed at you for scaring her while firmly doing up the second button. The second button! All hope lost. Sandee decided to hang out with Molly Arroyo, a girl so large she affected the tides. Lost, all lost. When the Sandee’s of the world hook up with the Molly’s, god weeps. My fault entirely, I had closed the second button.

By the time I got the dented car home word of the second button had magically spread across the city, even my father knew. He instinctively knew of my third button dreams, all men did, he understood my reasoning, he is male after all, but the disastrous results of my rash decision to try that G force stunt required harsh punishment. But first he gave me that look. The look that only a father could give you, a father or a ten year old Colonel. Anger, resentment, bitterness, loathing, disappointment - all of that and more. I hadn’t thought about that “look” in over thirty years.

The third button? Well I still think about that all the time. So much potential, so little thread. Dad never punished me for the dented fender. He knew, as all men must know, the pain I was feeling. The pain I would feel forever, the pain of the second button.

Mini has no such issues. He lives in a world of Velcro. No second buttons in his life. In the first game he stabbed me three times and shot me countless others. I had more perforations then a Tetley tea bag. It wasn’t so much the stabbings, it was the fact he would announce them before he struck.

“Hey dad!”
“What?”
MiniBadger[knife]XLWoodenBadger

“Hey dad, guess what”
“What?”
MiniBadger[knife]XLWoodenBadger (I’m a slow learner)
“Will you stop that?”
…
“Hey dad”
“What? Aaaarrrggghhh!”
MiniBadger[knife]XLWoodenBadger

“Psst, hey dad”
(Imagine the sound of crying.)
…
“Dad?”

And so it went. It was so bad I began to feel like I was made of tissue, single ply, retired. Somewhere along the line he got bored of just warning me and began to announce my deaths over TS. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the announcements had come after the deed. They did not. Sometime they preceded my death by several seconds, sometimes by more.

“Hey guys I’m going to knife my dad”
“What?”
MiniBadger[knife]XLWoodenBadger
“Aaaarrrggghhh!”

Finally the night came to an end. We disconnected and shut down the machines; I took Mini up stairs to brush his teeth. Pajamas were found, prayers were recited. Mini’s Mom found the book they were reading. Pillows were fluffed and blankets tucked. Kisses were exchanged.
“Hey dad”

I realize now that it was pure reflexes; I don’t know how far I ran but the cab ride back home cost $7.50 not including tip. We are hoping to play again tonight.

[[JiF][AARP]Tissueman]

I must say I'm rather pleased that Mini has a new target. I would say "don't worry, he'll get bored knifing you and move on", but I know that is not true. As to the third button, God works in mysterious ways. Who knows what your life's path would have been if that third button hadn't held. You and Sandee might have gotten married and you'd have a son who had no interest in searching you out on an electronic battlefield to prove his superior gamemanship. He might be off playing Sims or some other game that didn't involve firing large amounts of ordnance at your friends. So sad. But God had a better plan for your life -- to provide Tissue some much needed relief.

Thank you, my friend,

Tissue

[[JiF]phantomx]

mini is a little devious one that is for sure. I was playing with him yesterday morning. I though I was playing against mini and Large (thought they were doing the bonding thing or just target practice). It started off ok. Large and I in a jeep together trying to find mini. Then it started. Mini types, "lets just to knives". Ok, I'm up for that. I find him out (suspiciously just standing in the middle of the road), jump out and get the knife. kewl. Then he spawns and picks me off with the M98B. His .50 cal was no match for my puny little knife. "so that is how it is going to be", I say. I spawn on Large (suspiciously just standing in the middle of the road - like mini was) and get sniped the instant I spawn. Won't make that mistake again. find mini out and after getting shot 4 more times, finally get him. wow Large starts moving again. That is when it dawns on me....Mini is Large. He was playing both sides. That little sneak.....after I brought a tank to the battle and he brought a chopper...

Luckily I had to go and do some chores, but you have to watch out for the mini...

also like the third button story....