Drunks

[[JiF]ALargeWoodenBadger]

Today a drunk staggered into my shop and tried to find a place to sleep on the display counter. The sales clerk called out to me and I came out of the back grabbed the guy buy the jacket and quickly hustled him out the door. A few minutes later I look up and the same guy is heading back in. I stop him in the doorway.

"Hey man I wanted to tell ya you's a beautiful guy. You didn't punch in the face or nuttin when ya thru me out. That's class!" He says.

Not feeling like getting into a conversation with a drunk I spin him around and lead him back out the door.

"Wow, thanks man - ya didn't even kick me in the arse. You's really is a great guy!"

Now, I've never been a drunk and I've spent very little time with them. So this encounter has left me with numerous questions. Did I mess up and break some rule of drunk handling etiquette? Should I have punch in the face or kicked him in the arse? Will all the other drunks in town start showing up now just to be nicely ejected? Can I make up for negligence? Maybe I should I go find him and punch him now or should I wait and punch him twice next time he’s drunk?

This is damn confusing and I can’t find a pamphlet on this topic anywhere (pamphlets distributed through drugstores seem to be the preferred method of educating people in handling unpleasant situations. Who can forget “Lice – A Heads up”).

The last thing I need is to get into trouble with the Guild of Drunks, Bums and Freeloaders (GDBaF). Thank god they broke away from the Teamsters when the Vagrants and Crackheads broke rank and tried to link up with the United Food and Commercial Workers Union or I would be in real trouble.

[[JiF]bigjohnson]

You are very lucky that you came across "canadious inebriatius" or the rare "north americanus kenneditius" outside of their natural habitat. it probably would not be a pretty sight.

[[JiF]Beej1024]

There is a story at work of some creative officers years ago who found a way to determine the level of intoxication of an individual.

1. Take a piece of paper and write LIE on it.
2. Place paper on photo copier
3. Bring drunk to copier.
4. Swear him in using a resturant menu.
5. Place right hand on top of copier.
6. Ask "have you been drinking tonight"? He answers "helba no".
7. Press COPY.
8. Watch reaction.
9. Ask "do you have a drinking problem"? He answers "absutlybyl nott".
10. Press COPY.
11. Ask "do you think your mom is hot and want to spend an intimate night with her"? He answers "NO"!
12. Press COPY.
13 If at this point the man breaks down and cries, place him in cell to sleep it off. If he changes his answer to "yes", place him in cell and verify well being of his mom...

[[JiF]rIot]

Thats great! How clever!

[[JiF]Sly Gambit]

Now, I've never been a drunk and I've spent very little time with them.

I spend a good percentage of my time drinking with drunks (and very rarely joining them in that state of ignorant bliss) so maybe I can help out...

What kind of shop is it? My guess is that the gentleman was confused and believed he was due a massage. He likely said some things to you in drunk-speak (typically 10x normal volume and 1/10th the normal enunciation of the English language - worse in Spanish) that you didn't quite catch. Once he realized that you were not an Asian massage artist he realized his mistake. As you were escorting him out he must have realized what he said to you that you didn't understand. At that point he was profoundly shocked that you had not hit him over the head with a broom or other heavy object.

After leaving he realized that he still wanted a massage so he attempted to return to your shop. Recognizing you from a previous visit at an unknown time in a past life, he realized that you were an exceptionally nice guy who was unlikely to do any major damage to his few remaining organs.

Next time you should hand him a bag of pretzels (or crackers), a bottle of water, and the number of a taxi before escorting him out. That is a universal sign to drunks that they should be home.