My first "real" night of BF3...

[[JiF]ALargeWoodenBadger]

Well it finally happened, last night Matthew decided TV was more interesting then BF3, so I was able to play! (Yeah!) I’ve been watching him the last few weeks so I was pretty sure I knew what to expect - of course I hadn’t reckoned on ‘customization.” I also hadn’t reckoned on BF42 muscle memory. Both of these failures led to some embarrassing moments. Did you know the number 3 key no longer changes to your primary weapon? I didn’t and my muscles still don’t.

I also had no idea you could “customize” your kit and on more then one occasion I managed to ‘nade’ myself while reaching for my repair wrench. In fact I never could find the wrench but came up with one of those little lighters they use to cook heroin in the movies. I must admit that after a few minutes of play a spoon of ‘horse’ began to sound appealing.

Did you know number 1 is no longer your knife? I didn’t. Twice I found myself in a knife fight wielding an unloaded SCAR or some such thing. Apparently my BF42 muscles refused to accept the new key assignment and kept pressing number 1. I actually yelled at my fingers when they kept pressing the wrong key but they ignored me (no Jergens for them until they learn to accept audible commands). Regardless of how wonderful the SCAR is, when it is empty it simply isn’t very pointy and makes a poor stabbing tool. On both occasions I found myself furiously pounding on the left mouse button while simultaneously spinning the center mouse wheel to no avail. (like some patient recovering from surgery hitting the self medication drip button. “Come on baby, daddy needs a little hit!”)

My perforated body was later found holding a small torch. “Drugs suspected in death of engineer” read the headlines. =sigh= If only.

“Have you knifed Tissue yet” Matthew asks from the other room.

Not wishing to disappoint the boy I choose to lie. “Of course son, first thing I did, an excellent way to warm up – thank you” Remember, if you are going to lie to your children, make it believable. Of course Tissue wasn’t playing and even he was I doubt I could do much damage poking him with the barrel of my empty SCAR.

I have a long way to go if I’m going to save myself from a great deal of embarrassment. Thank god my TS decided not to work; spending the evening listening to Gav and Grimp giggling at my expense is too much to think about. Of course I could get even by joining their squad and dragging them down with me. <Insert evil laugh here> No, best they think Matthew’s just having an off night.

I’m not giving up just yet but I think I would be more effective if I strapped on an explosive vest and went in search of my 72 BF3 virgins (that’s 46.8 virgins after taxes). Hey, this is a video game no doubt a great number of virgins are online at any given time. Anyhow, in the spirit of good gamesmanship I’ve begun to search for a look in keeping with my skill level. Does anyone know where I can download ‘Court Jester’ camo? Or do I have to unlock it?

[[JiF]Lt Gav]

Beware customization!
I have this bad knack of forgetting that I have swapped my med kit for the m320 nade launcher.
So I get very confused team mates who instead of getting the medic come & tend their fevered brow, find doctor death at their door blasting their poor injured bodies with a grenade enema.
My other favourite is running up to the back of a tank to slap the C4 on & blow it's occupants to the orbiting space station. Unfortunately I've previously played a round of support using claymores. So there I am stood behind an enemy vehicle like a one legged man at a backside kicking contest.

[[JiF]CowHide]

Beware customization!
I have this bad knack of forgetting that I have swapped my med kit for the m320 nade launcher.

That reminds me of all the times in BC2 that I meant to drop an ammo box in front of somebody but would mouse roll to the grenade launcher instead to give a nice warm nade to my teammates face. Then of course I would have to spend the next 10 min. explaining that I did it by mistake.

[[JiF]phantomx]

this thread made me howl. too funny. tonight I kept forgetting which class I was. walked up to gibs tank to c4 only to realise I was a sniper or was in a chopper and telling the pilot to set down so I could repair but to my astonishment was a support. He did not think it was too funny.

[[JiF][AARP]Tissueman]

Badger, I would gladly fall on your knife, but I have opened the console again and can't move. Give me a sec. Nope, that brought up the standings. Nope, that made everything I say CAPS. Nope, that opened my in game warnings. Sigh......

[[JiF]Uncle Stinky]

We've got to figure out how to disable that damned console key. Can you remap it to be the same as "1"?

Whenver I hit it, I imagine my guy standing int he middle of street yelling, "I can't move! Nobody shoot!"

[[JiF][AARP]Tissueman]

We've got to figure out how to disable that damned console key. Can you remap it to be the same as "1"?!"

Save time and map it to your left mouse button.

[[JiF]Gib]

I let out a snort(and a fart) while trying to suppress all 3 at work while I read this....OMG. Air, air, I need oxygen and my stomach hurts!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH.