An Election Year message from the Queen

[[JiF]Lt Gav]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Oklahoma, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[[JiF]zougathefist]

hear hear

[[JiF]Djsmg]

ROFL

Found this image (if too offensive please advise and I will delete).

[[JiF]Lt Gav]

I like it DJ (the man from the uninhabited lands)
Our little bit doesn't make the map, but I guess we get lumped in with the pussies!

[[JiF]Brick]

I guess that means we can lump you in with the French.

Sorry, that was too low. I take it back.
Do you know the Complete Military History of France . . .

- Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered, by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

-The Dutch War: Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost,
but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."

- French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.

- The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

-World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's

[Sir Die-a-lot]

Gav, I took permission (taht you surely will grant me) to copy your post and paste it in another forum where it's killing people from the laughter !

Thanks for a great one !

[[JiF][AARP]Tissueman]

I like tea. Do we have to wear red coats?

[[JiF]Djsmg]

Psst... The Queen is Indian!?

[[JiF]Lt Gav]

Great one DJ I loved that show when it was on.
If you'd have said 20 years ago that people would be roaring with laughter at a comedy show written by & starring just Indian actors they'd have locked you up.

Tissue you only have to wear the red coat if it is a special occasion like the Queens birthday.

[mbm]

Would American "armor" suffice for a royal suppository?

[seadogs]

I think one's nation should also impose one's correct grammar useage upon one's new fellow countrymen.

[[JiF]corn]

You fellas can have it back,I think we are almost done with the great experiment

[[JiF]LtWaterboy]

Gav,

those were great. only a few amendments (look at our constitution for all those!):

1. If we have to pronounce it correctly, then you have to do the same with spelling (aluminum).
10. May German beers still be used as acceptable substitutes??
14. We'll tell you, if you finally get an answer to the Diana situation...

other than that - amen!!

LT

[[JiF]Blind Trooper]

A far more accurate map.