Flu season (spring version)

[[JiF]ALargeWoodenBadger]

I am sitting here with a temperature 104 F. My wife and son are bouncing between 101 and 103F. We are all hacking up the most hideous chest blobs I have ever seen. Not since "Alien" has something so disgusting come bursting out of a human chest. Only in my case, I keep repeating the process every few minutes. I'm thinking of collecting the mess and using it to create a new form of life. "It's alive!"

Here the worse part. I broke a half dozen vertebrae in a car accident some years back. Now, when I have a fever, I get terrible muscle spasms in my back. Ouch! When I cough they get worse. When I cough up an 'Alien' they go nuts! So with all this going on why does my PC decide today it is a good day to die? I turn on my PC to check my email and the room is suddenly filled with beeps. Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Being an idiot I decided that I would just have a quick look at it. Dumb move. So, I spent the afternoon lying on the floor next to my PC. You see, when I leaned over to unplug the tower I had a coughing fit, which set off a series of back spasms forcing me to the floor. The spasms were so bad I simply could not get back to my feet. The phone was out of reach and my yelling simply made the lint bunnies angry. I spent the afternoon prone among the lint bunnies hoping that some member of my family might notice my absence and come rescue me. To bad they were all taking naps.

Eventually I was able to move again "the power of ibuprofen compels thee!!" I did manage to re-seat my RAM and the PC is working again. Oh, and I was able to fire some phlegm projectiles at the evil lint bunnies keeping them in check. I also found a quarter.

So how was your day?

[[JiF][AARP]Tissueman]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this. Hang in there. Maybe you need one of those medic alert buttons that old people have. "I've fallen and I can't get up". Or perhaps one of those monkeys that helps people. Or even better, a dog like Lassie who we'll call Laddie in this case. "Get help, Laddie. Go to the farm and get Uncle Zeke off the tractor. Tell him to go to town and get some Ibuprofin for me." Laddie will bark twice then chase a squirrel for three hours.

[[JiF]ALargeWoodenBadger]

Hey Tissue I’m glad my pain can bring joy into your life. I wish I could say that this was a one off event but lying to men has never been a talent of mine. I used to drive an old VW Golf with rock hard suspension and tires like wagon wheels. After a few hours on the road the rough ride and old seat would often lead to a few hours/days of back recovery time. Generally speaking it requires you to lie on your back keeping your knees bent and your spine as straight as possible. Depending on the degree of pain you can be frozen in that position for long periods of time.

Sue and myself took a day trip down to Buffalo. The dollar was low but gas was still cheap and Buffalo has a plethora of PayLess shoe stores designed to attract woman with feet. The entire trip took over 10 hours with at least seven of those spent in my unforgiving little car. We made a day of it. Sue spent the afternoon shopping and I drove. Just before we head back across the border Sue took me to Arby’s, I had never been to one and she assured me the food was good. I ordered some giant sandwich and a diet coke combo and we hit the road.

After a couple of hours of driving I am in terrible pain. My back is screaming and my stomach is knotted up. By the time I reach home I can barely walk and stomach cramps are doubling me over. I head up to bed lie flat on my back and lift my knees to relieve the pain. Raising my knees also helps to relieve some of the cramps. Thank God! So there I am lying perfectly still, knees raised, and spine straight when my body decides to rid itself of the evil and vile Arby’s combo. It happened so fast I had no time to prepare for it. No time to head for the bathroom. No time to grab the garbage bucket that sits beside the bed. Even if I had more warning my back is burning so bad I am virtually paralyzed and I doubt I could have achieved either goal.

The relief was glorious. Suddenly, a stream of Arby’s is shooting into the air. I can see yellows, greens, browns and a little red and they all look beautiful to me. Oh blessed relief! For the next millisecond I feel great, I still can’t move but the cramps are gone and hope has returned. That’s when gravity kicks in. (Well maybe it didn’t kick in. I suppose it was there the whole time it just seemed to be irrelevant.) The great plume of Arby’s reaches the top of the arch and begins its descent. Of course my back is in such a state that I am frozen there watching this mass of colors floating just above my face. Not surprisingly they don’t look so pretty anymore. When I finally realize what is about to happen I do the only thing I can think of. I start to laugh. Now I don’t mean snicker, I mean those wonderful guffaws that start in your gut and burst out of your mouth, (kind of like bad Arby’s). This is the precise moment the plume strikes my face.

In life, timing is everything. It’s timing that puts you in the path of a bus or has you standing in a line when a Hollywood producer walks by, and it is timing that has put me on my back under a plume of Arby’s combo meal as it is accelerating toward terminal velocity. Timing is one thing the real problem is what do you do when that moment arrives?

Now I’m frozen on the bed with the real possibility that I will be re-ingesting the very Arby’s the made me sick in the first place. This is not a pleasant thought. Had it occurred to me earlier I might not have laughed at that inconvenient moment? Like many people I have received a lot of advice throughout my life. Phrases like “circle of life” and of course the less spiritual but equally valid “what goes around comes around” seem to be appropriate to this moment. However, the piece of advice I found myself turning too came from a girl who lived on our street when I was a kid. I was too young to understand what she meant at the time but she would always look at her friends, laugh and say, “just don’t swallow.”

Good advice.

[[JiF][AARP]Grimp]

I just hurt my back and my tummy is sore from reading this